Saturday, June 12, 2010

What is India thinking? 10 questions.

I have a few questions that i need help on....

In trying to understand who the 'average' Indian really is. Not sure if i am asking the wrong questions, or not being able to see obvious answers.....

  1. Who is the average Indian and what is inside this Indian's head?
  2. Who is the Indian that does not really blink when 15,000 people die in an insipid little town due to some gas leak? (is my sarcasm and apathy a part of this Indian?) of course the 100,000 odd handicapped, health problems, birth defects, etc....
  3. Who does not provide even basic amenities to tribals in his constituency for decades on end, to the point that they take on arms?
  4. Who kills his own child cause she loves a man of another caste?
  5. Who rapes a pregnant woman or stabs a man or burns a man alive, just cause she/he is of another religion?
  6. Which policeman rapes or sexually molests an underage child?
  7. Who kills someone for Rs. 2000? Shoots him point blank !!
  8. Who kills a waitress in a bar just because she turns down his overtures?
  9. Who supplies defective bullet proof jackets to policemen and the military and can sleep peacefully at night?
  10. Who is not perturbed by children eating mud for meals in their constituency?

Can someone please explain to me who is this Indian? What does this person look like? What filth consumes his degenerate brain?

Monday, March 01, 2010

The "My Penis Is Bigger Than Your Penis" Syndrome

I think in India as a nation, we suffer from the "My penis is bigger than your penis" syndrome (referred to as PBP in the rest of the post). Not that men and societies around the world do not have this disease, i just think as so many other lovely ailments, we get a disproportionately larger share.

Some symptoms:

Politicians around the world are corrupt. This we all know. But because of severe bouts of PBP, our politicians insist on hanging around until their late 80s to prove they still have the vigor of a 22 year old. Also, they are so focused on climbing a metaphorical pole that they cannot seem to reach any point in their sad lives to actually make a difference.

"I need another 1000 crores to be more powerful than the next guy", "I need more goons than the next guy". "I need to show him whose penis is bigger".

Corporate Life
This most of us see all the time. "If i am paying, then by default my penis is bigger than yours". It does not matter that in return you are giving me unimportant intangibles such as skill, talent, hard work, commitment, experience, a product/service that I need, etc, etc.

"As it has been established that my penis is bigger than yours, i will now commence to be an ass and treat you like the pharaohs treated the pyramid building slaves".

Corporate Slaves Strain
The slaves have strains of the virus that spreads amongst their species - "My penis is bigger than yours as for the last 14 and a half years i have never cashed in a single paid holiday and i never leave office before 10 pm". "My penis is bigger than yours as i can work weekends in a row and still love my job".

"My penis is bigger than yours, so i can drive as i please". "My penis is bigger than yours so i can drive on whichever side of the road i want, park where i want, stop where i want, piss where i want, etc etc".

Thanks to PBP, we suffer double-parking, cutting lanes, breaking signals, driving on the footpath, clogging intersections with no signals, drinking and driving, hit and runs, head-on collisions on highways, etc etc.

Social Life
Here we invert the PBP disease, but as you can see, the end result is the same....PBP !

"If you have only 7 drinks, your penis is smaller than mine, as i can have 9, then drive home and have sex with my unwilling wife". "If you cannot 42 gulab jamuns in one sitting, your penis is smaller than mine". "If you are unwilling to race me on the highway, your penis is smaller than mine".

"If you have not been to xyz pub, your penis is smaller than mine, as i have been there, that too in the VIP section although it cost us Rs 15k for every 10 minutes."

"My penis is bigger than yours cause i spent Rs. 19 lacs on my kids wedding". "My penis is bigger than yours as i had a new Rs. 50k outfit for all 24 ceremonies of the wedding". "My penis is bigger than yours as we gave the groom a bungalow and a BMW and Rs 5 crore in cash as dowry....i mean gifts".

I could go on and on and on....but i think you get the point. Look around you and you will see the PBP virus everywhere. It is extremely contagious and deadly. "But i have a spiritual guru who consults Bollywood and Hollywood stars, so......."

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Delhi airport goes blind

I'm thinking now that i should simply post the stories and let them speak for themselves....

No radars working at Delhi Airport, which is either the largest or second largest in India.

So typically only in India....

Read here.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Bal Thackeray is back

Supreme Leader Shri Balasaheb Thackeray,

You have out done all expectations. What we all thought your star nephew, Raj Thackeray would have done, you have delivered. Super, super, super. We are all left speechless.

The pride of India - Sachin Tendulkar is your latest target. Check it out here.

Why do i get the feeling Raj Thackeray, the Congress and the NCP are laughing really hard right now. If this only had happened a month ago. The 40 odd seats you did win would have been split between the three.

The doctor officially announces the Shiv Sena clinically dead.

Tendulkar versus Thackeray


Just wondering....this Tendulkar fella thinks that all Indians are welcome to Mumbai. Your silence disappoints me.

Why so quiet?

Go Koda Goa

Madhu are my God. You are my inspiration. You give me hope. That i too one day can quit my job, get into 'public service' and dream of bank accounts around the world, buy out other politicians, Bollywood stars, bureaucrats, ministries and hell even the Naxals.

This temporary hiccup in the form of IT/CBI/ED/Other Abbr. raids will disappear soon enough and you will be back to doing what you do best.....stealing from the undernourished hands of impoverished rural folks in the badlands of Jharkhand.

I am certain a few weeks/months in a 5-star prison will not dampen your spirits. I predict that by Independence Day 2010 you will have complete freedom from this nonsense.

May you one day rise to a cabinet minister rank and eventually to prime minister of India. I eagerly await the day you steal from my hands (that is if you haven't already).


Friday, October 02, 2009

Email to Raj Thackeray

Hi Raj,

Whats up? All good in the hood?? Election keeping you busy? I thought as much....Anyway, i know you have been really busy in the last 20-30 odd years fighting for the rights of the Marathi Manoos. Good for you dude. In that time, i realize you dont get much time to check on documentation and paperwork and silly things like that. So i thought, i'd help you out. I am assuming you have heard of the Constitution of India. Well, here is the Preamble.

I was hoping you could check out the line on 'liberty'. Anyway, i think the Preamble is not too clear. So i have another quick snapshot. Check out page 9 of the Constitution...

I think point 19 (1) (a) talks of freedom of speech or something.

Anyway, i know you think that this comes with riders that it should not offend anyone and blah and blah and more blah.

However, i read as is and conveniently skipped (your) fine prints.

So, good luck with the elections. Hope you can beat your brother and uncle at their game.



P.S. I am from Bombay, I was born in Bombay, I live in Bombay, I dont like Bombay (or Mumbai), I eat in Bombay, I vote from Bombay, Bombay, Bombay, Bombay.

Hoping to see your chamchas at my place soon.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Vote for the Vogons

Adsense used to come up with howlers pretty easily, since the only real reason to display an ad was whether someone's talking about the subject, rather than listening to what they're saying.
With SEM, the bar has just jumped a notch higher.

So as of today, the top 3 contenders for your vote (in the digital space) stand before you arrayed thus -

Am I the only one who is actually reassured?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Trying to impress Mother India

Dear friends and siblings,

Why is everyone so blind towards Mother?? Why are you trying to change her? She is more than 60 years old. She's too old and comfortable in her ways.


- no roads for her kids' cars
- no real policing or national security measures
- no accountability of her older kids running the show
- no real municipality to plan her kids' homes and societies and cities
- no education for her children
- no real hospitals or decent healthcare for her children
- no insurance for her children who die for her safety
- no difference if you vote or don't vote
- no difference if all her children get military training
- nothing the media can do to influence her kids
- no real support from her sisters in Pakistan or Bangladesh or the US or the UK or anywhere else for that matter
- nothing will come out of your little RTI applications
- nothing will happen from citizen journalism
- nothing will come of citizen meetings, peace rallies, peace marches, multi-religious shows of trust and the rest of it..

Mother India is only looking out for herself. She is happy in her ways. She has a perfect retirement planned for herself and it heads towards anarchy. She does not care for you or your idealistic dreams and plans.

So get a life, stop whining and stop trying to impress her.. Nothing is going to change. Don't believe me? Read this post in December 2009, 2019 and 2029. By then Mother would have cashed in on her retirement policy.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

The Indian Politician... and how to deal with him

Justify FullLet's take a deep breath for a moment, and hard as it is, think dispassionately.
We - the Indian People - are in deep shit. The machinery and infrastructure that is supposed to care for us is, at best, ineffective. There's a lot of anger, frustration, and disgust in us - and most of all, everyone is asking - what can we do?

I am trying to create an answer.
It may not be the right one. A lot of you may disagree with some of what you will read. And I admit I'm not either qualified or in any way, or have any special access or information, that entitles me to do this, save for one reason - I'm just one more person on the street, one more passenger in the train, one more tourist in Kashmir, one more traveller in an airport... and every time something like this happens, the first thing that comes to my mind is - it could be me. It could be someone I know.
I've been lucky so far - but you and I both know that if things continue, it's just a matter of time.

The reason why these things keep happening - in my opinion - is because the infrastructure isn't sufficiently equipped to deal with management of porous borders, a billion plus population, understaffed, underpaid, under-trained and underequipped police, and specialist agencies too caught up in political games to be allowed to function effectively.
But that's not really the reason.
The political class - our so-called 'masters' and trust me, even saying that word brings the bile to my throat - is not doing it's job.
A politician enters the system with a clear objective. Power.
Power equals money, status, assets, previliges.
But NOT duty, responsibility, accountability.

So the real question we need to think about is, how do we force our MLAs, MPs, and Ministers to start doing the job they are supposed to, instead of creating private empires and fortunes and hijacking the state machinery - that we pay for, by the way - for their own perks.
The next time you're stopped to let a 20-car convoy with the flashing red lights pass, remember your salary is 33% less because of that petrol. Because they're on their way to some international event with family and press and shopping, sorry, 'expenses'. Because they need to stock up and furnish that 3000-square foot house in that 2-acre plot for which, unsurprisingly, the paperwork is proving... elusive.

Yet, we are a democracy. We voted. We put these ______'s where they are.
We thought, choosing the lesser of two evils will make it a little less unbearable. But it won't, because it's not the people, but the system that's ineffective. Apart from the fact that the power without responsibility it offers acts as a magnet for every criminal, low-life, unqualified, and plain wrong person for the job... in the ensuing dirty fight the good people get sidelined.
If you want to win, you have to play the game, and playing the game makes us all the same.

So - and this is where the ideas begin - can we do something to make the filtration better? Make sure the right people reach the right positions?

1. Make a mandatory requirement for standing for elections - a blood relative in the armed forces. On active duty. The minute he gets a desk job, or retires, you're out.
What will this achieve? A little more responsibility towards those people and that institution that keeps the country safe. A budget cut that cancels snow boots for the Siachen troops will be more debatable when it's your son's toes that are amputated because of frostbite.

2. Minimal security. Let the ministers and functionaries be moved to quarters attached to the offices and government centers. Let them even bring their families. But Keep it basic, minimal, and only what's necessary. It's the center and the position that is to be protected, not the man occupying it. If he has to leave the proemises, privately, give him a two-man civilian security detail.
What will this achieve? Fewer unpopular decisions. Ignore an illegal slum for years, and someone will throw rotten eggs at you. Renege on your promises, and the man in the street will walk up to you and spit in your face.
What's that? Criminal elements have it so much easier to kill you now? Well, you should have thought of that when you were drawing up the police training and equipping bill, shouldn't you?

Let 'Serving the Public Trust' actually have some 'serving' in it. And for someone looking to make a fast buck - shouldn't you be thinking of something safer?

3. Link their salaries to the sensex.
What will this achieve? If the country does well, you make money. If the economy falters, so does your own direct take-home.

4. Delink the police from political control. Make them independent. Increase their salaries to the point you're comfortable that they won't take a bribe from Dawood to kill you. Increase their training and equipment to the point that they can protect you if someone decides to pick up an AK56. Let the military handle recruiting and training - but they have got to be a separate, independent entity.

5. Get back the RTI, but in a much more effective way. The Right To Information Act currently allows anyone to request information from the government. But how many know what to ask for, and if they do get it, what it means? Set up a specialist media team that reads, interprets and reports on existing policies and policies under debate. Let them talk about it in a language that the average man-on-the-street can understand. Set up centers that can liase between the government and the citizen to give what information is needed.

6. e-nable EVERYTHING. Every bill, petition, paper, file, request, order, document has to be online, and not just as a scan; the world's largest democratic machinery will need the mother of all SAP systems. But every single document must be traceable, at any time, by any person.

That's it for now. I do not know HOW this can be done. The people in power right now are the ones who have everything to lose if they change the status quo; we can't expect any help from them.

This is a call to anyone reading this - if you have ideas, suggestions, advice, or even if you just agree - think about it. Think of what we can do. Some of us will know, will figure out how to make it happen.
A candlelight vigil, a facebook page, an email forward, a petition, a satyagraha, a peace march - these are good things. These are necessary things. But don't let them remain just that.
Think of how we can make these ideas work.

And many of you will have brilliant, revolutionary, and most of all, workable ideas. Make them public. Make them known. If you know what should be done, someone else can tell you how. Just make sure they know.

Update 03/12/08: Facebook group is up.

Friday, November 28, 2008

The Spirit of Mumbai a sham.
There is no such thing.
When a Mumbai-ite gets back onto a local train the day after a bombing, gets back on the road after a flood, and resumes life in general - stop saluting 'the spirit of mumbai' that refuses to be cowed.
What option did he ever have, anyway?
The cost of living is astronomical. You live from month to month, hand to mouth. An unpaid week is a disaster, a month without a job, the end. Can you afford to lose even a few day's wages?
All the offices are in one place, and residential areas - at minimum - several kilometers away. And just 2-3 roads and a train line that connect the two. If you want to live near your workplace, you can afford it pretty much only if you own the workplace. The lower down the hierarchy you are, the further away you stay.

So how do you work? You commute. An hour, two, three, and on bad days, four or five hours of each day go in just getting from home to work and back. Usually via multiple methods - buses, trains, bikes, cabs, walking...

This is the spirit of mumbai. A complete lack of any alternatives. When the average man on the street can choose to continue life as usual - or kill his dreams and leave - or starve.
Some choice, huh?

Do I want to get back on the train, back on the road, back at work? No. I don't. But can I choose to stay at home? Can I choose to travel by any alternative means, take a different road, avoid the train stations, the crowds that are an automatic target? Yeah, right.
I can't not work. I can't not travel. I can't even not take the same route through the same places!
Life is so fast, and so compressed... it streamlines. People that can fit in with this, who can streamline themselves, stay - they who can't, leave. But the pace keeps increasing, and increasing, and increasing...
...and you all know what happens when something at high speed twitches.

The whole machinery is racing along a catastrophe curve, a hundred miles an hour. We've been lucky so far - but we're living on borrowed time. What happened so far is nothing compared to what's coming, and coming it is.
Make no mistakes. It's just a matter of time now.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Nothing Will Change in Mother India

This goes out to all those people who think 'this is it', 'now we will go after them', 'they have gone too far and India is going to now get these bastards', 'we should get the job done like the Americans and Israelis - go all out'.

Let me tell you something - Mother India has become an apathetic, insensitive, callous, corrupt, irrational, shameless, ignorant, harsh, selfish, rude, heartless mother. She has been like this for a while now.

As her children, we live in eternal hope and optimism, looking for her approval and support despite all her obvious and completely lack of maternal instincts. There is strong historical evidence of this maternal void. By insisting that she is caring and protective of her children over and over again, it does not make it true.

If you are a blind child, let me help you see through the coming hours, days, weeks and months.
  • Very soon, the multiple hostage crisis will be ended by Mother's most responsible child - the Indian Army.
  • Many have died. Many more unfortunately might also have to sacrifice their lives.
  • The government will undertake set up high level committees to investigate this bastardly act.
  • Promises of harsh action will be made.
  • The dead will be mourned and honoured.
  • The developments of the investigation will move from the front page to the inner pages the papers.
  • New incidents, cricket and Bollywood will once again take center stage of the media and all of Mother India's children.
  • The snakes and wolves will continue maiming and killing her children.
  • Mother will watch with cold and unsympathetic eyes.

Nothing will change. Mother India does not give a shit about you or any of her billion children.